Rebekah Brooks

I take a dump on her from great height and hope her thick ginger mop is matted with fecal sludge for weeks to come.

Ed Miliband’s comment on today’s strike

I throw some meconiun filled nappies at him whilst considering whether to continue my labour party membership.

David Cameron’s moralising about families & fathers

I shit all over it.

Rainy Sundays

I shit on them but they just wash the shit away.

Peter Hitchens

After eating lots of Spanish cucumbers and German bean sprouts, I shit right at him.

The faux localism of Pickles and his vile party

I drink a bottle of caster oil, take aim and shit all over them at a local, regional and national level.

Numb sausagey fingers.

I’d shit all over them if (a) I could reach and (b) it would help

Mice that eat the bait but do not get killed by the trap

I shit on them till they suffocate.

Cyclists who undertake you and then pull across your path

I shit on them.

Monday mornings

I part my sleep-greased cheeks and unload a lost weekend’s weight of shit on them.